tralala.

Its been quite some time since i have updated, it seems. Basically:
-My sisters getting married in September.
-My dad is proposing to his girlfriend in like the next month. (My soon to be stepbrothers are wack, but I am determined to befriend them... I'm not so sure how that will work out, but I've decided to try.)
-I moved to Westerly, and pretty much lost most of my friends. (But, I'm trying to work on fixing that)
-I GET MY LICENSE IN 8 DAYS :D

Thats pretty much whats up... I plan on trying to update more, but for some reason I never think of coming on here. heh.

You

To You:

You need to get things straight.

You need to open your eyes.

You need to think about your values.

What is the point?

Why are they the things they are?

Car, Money, Possessions?

Are they really that important?

Important enough to neglect your family?

Friends?

The ones you say you love?

The way you act, really, it shows that this may be true: That you would give everything up, except for your money and possessions.

Do you really feel that you could not share those things, to make the ones you love happy?

Would you really not give it all up in an instance, to give them one last chance? To see them again?

These are the things you should realize.

These are the things you should think of.

If in the end, they are not so important, then why are they now?
Should you not live as though now was the last chance you could have to see these last people?

As though you or they may not make it through tomorrow?

How are you to know if they will live or die?

How are you to know if you will live or die?

Would you really like for the last chance you have to see them, to do something with them, to make them happy, to be spent with your possessions?

To be spent obsessing over the small things,

While you neglect to show those people, pets or living objects that you care?

Do you really feel as though showing your possessions the appreciation, time, money, care is more important, than showing it to the ones who love you?

The ones who show it?

The ones who truly care.

Do you feel as though it is more important to think about the things that are replaceable, than to think about the things that are not?

You, my friend, need to sit down and think.

Need to realize what should be more important.

Think about how much better it would make the ones who appreciate you feel, if you could just appreciate them in return.

Because in the end, you may never get the chance.

-Me

One more time.

Here it goes again... How much fun.... Maybe I'm gonna take a hike today with my dad... That might be fun... Ugh. I want it all to end, too bad I'm too much of a pussy.

Anger.

It's so ridiculous how the people who do not deserve nice things, get everything... They breeze by, they smoke, drink, do nothing, get horrible grades, do horrible work, and yet they get anything they want from everyone around them... I like to call myself a really good student [All A's and B's with the exception of one class, that I wasn't even supposed to get out of, and so I got switched into a lower level], I don't smoke, I don't drink, I do the work I can, and I get pissed on... I never get rewarded. Sometimes, I think I should just give up on trying, maybe then someone will realize that I deserve some type of reward for my good behavior... I'm not being whiney or conceided or ungrateful, I just feel like I deserve better than what I've got, if these types of people get the most amazing things I can think of... It's just so unfair that this is going on... I don't understand any of this crap. Like seriously how is that the way things work? Who has designed this world to be this way? My parents can't afford to get me these things, even though I know the least I deserve is a freaking cell phone....

A tidbit of what i wish to do:

I wish to be in a band.
I enjoy singing, apparently i'm not *too* shabby..
I just lack the other elements of a band... Yuh know:
Drums
Guitar
Or synths+drum machine to make up for the guitar and drums ;;


I feel it would be SO kewl and fun, and daniel teased me by having us come up with a band name and everything, but he won't make a band with me :[
Anyone want to make a band.?

wowowow.

I'm going to Boston tonight on a field trip to see a dress rehearsal for some play... I have no idear which one... I'm basically more excited for taking the ride there with devin and madison and everyone from chorus[: It should be super amazingly fun. [: I've been SO tired lately, it's so lame... I went to a shiny toy guns concert the other night, and it was pretty depressing... Carah Faye quit the band, and the new girl [Sisely Treasure] is pretty good on the new songs, that she was part of writing and stuff, but she tried to pull off the old stuff, and it was just absolutely horrible. :[ And like no one realised how amazing Carah was [the people who were with me], since they'd never seen the band with her live... And I have and it was sad... And dan was being a douchy all night... It kinda sucked for a bit, but I still had lots of fun.... All American Rejects were WAY too loud, so I couldn't stand being in the actual show, so mee and dan went and sat in the lobby.... It was really good from out there... hah... :/

cause I'm just a teenage dirt bag baby, I listen to iron maiden babyyy;

So, basically... It all sucks. Nuff said.

lalalala.

Sooo;; I'm at the MadChi band practice... I took my pain meds and now i'm all dizzy and shaky and walkdsjf;lkasdf weird. haha;;; Fun xD. lollololol; but yeah, they have a shoowww tonighttt so that should be pretty kewl, lulz.

Once Upon A Time

My mom was nice... That time is NOT now. She's a beast. A horrible monster out to ruin everyone's life, just to make hers look better. She HAS to have power twenty four seven. Even if there IS another parent involved. She talks shit about my dad, then flirts with him every chance she gets.LAME; He hates her. She starts flipping shit at me yesterday RIGHT before I went into surgery, then she flips even more today when I'm in stellar pain, since they didn't put me on strong enough pain medicine... She's like so ridiculous... Just because I've actually stayed over her house for three nights in like the past six months, she thinks that I'll come back now that she can flip shit at me?? Bullshit.. i can't stand her.. I really can not.. If she says one more bad thing about me, my father, Dan, my sister, my cousin, or any of my family, the only family that I want around, I am going to SNAP. I'm not even being sarcastic... She is the worst monster in the world. All she does is feed off of other peoples unhappiness, and she's so two faced about it. She's a total jerk to me, but god forbid someone is around or one of my friends is here, she's the sweetest motherfucker you'll ever encounter, but please, take my word. She is ridiculous. She needs help. I need help, BECAUSE she needs help. It is one thing to yell, it is another to scream for no reason, over socks, in a hospital. It is also okay to get angry, and express that, but do not blame your problems on people I love. She needs help.

mhm; isee.

So, basically last night, I watched Repo: The genetic opera, and it was the best movie i've seen in my entire life.. I SO can not wait until April to go see it with a shadowcast, if transportation permits! gosh, there's been so much going through my mind lately that I don't even know where to start, so I'll put it off until later.
mkay;?

But it's only the weak, they wait for glory;;

So, my mom is being outrageously, ridiculously lame. I'm so fucking pissed at her... Like she's mad because I go to my dad's rather than cleaning for her, or going to her house where she has no internet, no phone, and no television;; Oh, and I don't have a cell phone... No communication, much? And now, I'm stranded at dan's, and I can't get to her house to keep her from being angry... She only wants me there so i can clean for her and do all her work for her.... God, it's so fucking lame..

Yeah; UHDER!

Sooo;;; basically, I'm sitting on dan's couch in his basement at his dad's while him and adam record musickz.... Like NO ONE Is online... Lawlz. So, I pretty much feel like a huge LOSUHH when I'm blogging, because i feel like I'm talking to no one... But that's pretty cool;; huh?! Bleck; i have *sooo* much make up homework to do.. *vomits. I wanna hear a song, but I don't know what I want to hear... WANNA KNOW WHAT YOU DO THEN?! YOU PUT IT ON SHUFFLE! WOOO.

AND THE WINNER IS::: I'm Sorry - Flyleaf.

Decent. HERM. http://www.youtube.com/user/swiftkaratechop

pce.

It's my blog; i'll post all I want.

Once upon a time, there was this girl. She was a lonely girl, who cried a lot... People didn't get that she was lonely.. She had friends, family, a boyfriend, plenty of people who'd go for her... But that didn't mean much to her. She still felt lonely..... There was no one like her, no one understood the innermost workings of her mind, the part that was the loneliest, the part that needed the most attention, and understanding. So, one day, the lonely girl set out to find someone who understood her; She looked high and low, left and right, round and round, but came up with nothing... At that point, she found a doggy. Not a real doggy, but a stuffed one. As she told him all her thoughts, she realized that all she really needed was somewhere to let her mind go, somewhere to not be judged, somewhere that she can contemplate what trees do in other dimensions... This stuffed puppy became her journal... She told him everything, and nobody could ever know; however, once people realised that the little girl was losing all her friends, becoming distant from her family, and losing connections with her boyfriend, they became curious. They followed the girl, discovered that she was only talking to the puppy. You know what they did? They took it from her. And now, she cries a thousand times more... BASTARDS.

Yea, not done.

I've decided I'm not at all done venting.
Not even close.
I have so much more to say, but no way to express this... I have so many things to say and i don't know how to say them... I hate these types of things... I wish I could just explain how I feel, but its impossible to do everything. I'm not allowed to talk to the one person I have a zillion questions for:
Is it my fault?
Did I go too far?
Am I the only one who isn't allowed to speak?
How did I get to the point where I'm not allowed to speak?
Why don't I believe you when you say it isn't me?
How many times to I have to fail before I succeed?
There are so many more.. I just wish I could ask.. I try to be friendly, but its just not working. I want to be perfect, I want to talk to someone... But I can't. So now what? Wow, I ramble, but that's alright with me...

But now I'm allowed.?
Oh, nevermind. That will all end soon.. It was just about a show...
Lameness...

long time.

Well, I haven't updated in a long time... I guess I mostly just vent when i go on here, which I don't mind, so I'm going to continue with that... So, with me and dan... That's not going good... Its so lame lately... Like everything that used to be amazing, is crashing and burning... I feel so helpless as I watch basically my life crumble into little pieces.. Dan just acts so different nowerdays, I'm guessing its because he takes upon so many more responsibilities than he did in the beginning of the relationship, and I still have zero responcibilities. Dan is in college, has a job, lives lightyears away... I do nothing. I live life, go to highschool, try to have some fun, but it's so hard with him... he's like a brick... All he wants to do is computer+music; I feel so left out, being an antinerd and having no musical talent.. We've been talking about doing a side project type thing, music wise, but it just doesn't happen... I feel like we have zip in common anymore and like we do nothing together, and he feels like he can't do all the things he used to do before we got "serious" or whatever... I dunnoh, it's just pretty lame. I love him more than anything ever, but I just don't know what to do, i never want to lose him EVER, I am so willing to change for Daniel that it's not even funny, I just don't know how to change... It's hard for me to change, but I'll do it... Even if it proves to suck balls for me, I don't care, I just want him to be happy... I miss having so much fun with him... And we have our moments of awesome, but I feel like we lack... Everything used to be so carefree when he used to be a highschooler, and ever since he's turned old, it's gone... Everything is...

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
- Gandhi

So; When did I win? I've been ignored; they laughed at me, I was fought. I lost.

I think I should win soon?

Maybe not.

I'll just be a loser for life... yay.

Okaywow.

So A lot has happened since last time i published a blog... I had to go to florida, my grandfather and my mother have cancer. I have to get a rootcanal and filling done all in the same week, and i'm terrified of my dentist... I read all four twilight books, can we say obsession? Me and Dan have been pretty okay, i guess... I hate how he's so much older and all like workworkwork schoolschoolschool and pawtucketpawtucketpawtucket. It blows hard. I dunnoh how much more I can take of it... I tried to talk to him about it, but he doesn't really get it... Oh well... I have a new obsession with TaB, the soda from the sixties... it is simply amazing.... And I'm going through exams right now... So i guess you can say miih life is pretty hecktic, eh?

HOLYSHIT. I just went to see Twilight. So fucking good. Holy cow. Seriously. Edward is SO hot!!!! Wow. SO yeah. Holyshit.

So, today totally sucks. I hate Sundays SO much. It blows. And I have a really bad earache. On the plus side, I had fun at Homecoming. It was really excited for it. Dan had a cold though, So I don't think he had as much fun. I'm watching spongebob. I heart it. Amanda's over. Rene is doing her hair downstairs right now. So, I'm being forced to go to Florida, as aforementioned and it was going to be just me my mom and my sisters, but my Nana and pappy are allowing the twin's boyfriends and dan go along. Dan didn't really want to go, but I explained some stuff to him and now he says that he would like to go, so I'm really happy about that. I would have missed him sooo much. I'm still upset though, because I'm being taken away from al the rest of my family. >:o but as long as dan is there, I'm definitely happy... Actually, I kinda can't wait now that dan is going... I think it's going to be a lot more fun now. :] I still don't know what to get for dan for christmas, though. My gift from my mom is that she's paying for dan to drive down and to stay down there and stuff, I think that's really nice of her, actually. Dan's going to start searching for a job in SK so that he can spend more time down here during his Holiday break or whatever, so that should be good. I'm going to go get food now.

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Now playing: CSS - Music Is My Hot Hot Sex
via FoxyTunes

Wow.

Okay, so I haven't blogged in a while, and since no one reads this, and no one cares I don't really know why I'm explaining why I havent, but I am, so here goes. I haven't blogged because I haven't been online. Right now I'm in Computer apps. We just finished a quiz that I totally did awesome on. Anyways, I haven't been online because I haven't had a computer. I haven't had a computer, because I haven't had a charger. I should be getting a charger tomorrow or thursday though, so I'm pretty soupped. What that not have been the problem. Anywho, Yeah; My birthday sucked and so did Halloween. I don't fully get why I let myself get so excited for that kind of stuff... It's so pointless. I mean, duh, if I used to love something it's ruined now. That's the way things always go lately... Like all this fall has been like the worst season ever. Dan says that he's going to "redo" my birthday, but guess what!! He probably won't. Which is fine. Fifteen isn't that great anyway. Nothing special is happening. I'm being dragged to Florida for my Christmas this year. [That really bothers me, so I'll get more into that later when I'm not at school.] Anyways. Yeah. I'm so sick of my life at this point. At least I'm doing good in school [kinda] my lowest grade is a C+ in Bio, which isn't that bad, considering. Anyway, I have to go do Excel stuff. Hoorah, sucky.

Ugh.

My birthday was a mess. Halloween was a mess. Pretty much everything is a mess.

Tomorrow.

Ohkeyyy sooo Tomorrow=MY BIRFDAY PARTY!!! Then thursday=MY BIRTHDAY[/PARTY#2]!!! I'm so effin excited. woohoo. :]

Devin Carlson

So, devin carlson is SUCH a loser. ohemgee. Seriously... Like who would hang out with that skanky cunt. Ohemgee. I wish he would get the fuck away from me. He's totally sitting next to me. Jesus.


HAHAHA. Just kidding. I love devin carlson to death. He's amazing.:]
He's sitting next to me fo' reals though hehehe.
And so is madison. She's even more amazing.
And Cayla is just like. holy wow. She happens to be sitting next to devin. <3

herm.

So... Dan might be able to get Saturdays off, but he might have to take up a shift or whatever on Tuesdays or Thursdays. God. I hate his job. He might as well just keep working Saturdays. I'm gonna tell him that. [I didn't last night when he told me because He called when I was sleeping... I hate that]. But anyway, Yeah. It really pisses me off. His job gets in the way of everything. So thats the latest news with me. Nothing exciting.

Tired.

Ugh; I'm so effin tired. :[ I went to sleep right when I got home from school, then I got up, because dan came over. After that, we went to the store and got poster board, then his house so he could urinate, then to wendy's + McDonalds. Then we came home, and I worked on my homework/project for like three hours. It sucked. It still sucks. :[

Two Days.

I ask dan to get TWO days off. My birthday party, and tomorrow, well, today, but you know what I mean... He can't even do that. I fucking hate this. Seriously. Fuck people. Fuck him. Fuck his job. Fuck everyone. I'm not fucking going up to my goddamn aunt's house tomorrow without him. This was going to be MY turn to introduce someone they might actually like, to make up for my own imperfections. But fuck family. Seriously. Fuck EVERYTHING. Fuck you.

Ohyes.Harder.

Why doesn't life just screw me a little harder? I'd like to think that death would be the cumming of the huge fuck that all of us encounter called life...


So that's my lovely thought of today. How was your day? Mine was just lovely. I had a bullshit day in a bullshit highschool, what's new?!

At least my dog loves me.
She always comes through for me....

Wishes. Ohboy.

So, today I've decided that I'd add on another place to the list of places I wish so hard to travel to.
I want to go to China or the Philippines to see the hanging coffins. Appearently its an old burial ritual that tribes would do where they would shove bodies of their ancestors into mostly hollowed out logs, or make coffins. And then hang them on the sides of mountains or put them inside of caves and cliffs off the side of mountians. It's actually quite interesting....
So another place I wish to go, where I'll never actually get to go.

Fuck.

Soo I have a migraine. Everyone changes plans without telling me. My feet are freezing. I'm watching spongebob. My tummy hurts. I'm hideous, and my hair is weird.

What a wonderful day.

Friday!

Horrauh. It's Friday! Dan's in the shower right now, and I'm waiting to go and take mine. Thank god I have a heater in my bathroom so It's not so cold! I'm watching the news! I'm such a cool person. Dan's bringing me to school and Picking me up today, so that should be fun. [We also have to pick up his brother at two twenty, so that's purty BOMB.] I'm going to try the contacts with the fizzy solution today, I'm quite excited... I wonder if anyone will notice I'm not wearing glasses.? Anyway, I must go and shower and get ready now!

Yehy.

I got out of school early today, and the sky cleared up [sad/happy]. Dan's over right now, and he's like asleep and I just finished my drawing of shoes for Art, it came out decent... I only really worked on one of the shoes, of three, though. I have to go change my conatacts out, since I'm going to try a new solution tonight [the one dan uses, supposedly it's amazing?], So that should make it more comfortable for me and my contact uses! Yhey; I'll actually be able to wear them! I got my class ring today. hoorah. Showing the support of the class that I don't even care about, and don't even technically support. woohoo.
the end.

SHUT UP AND LET ME GO.HEY!

So, today it is pouring out, which is wonderful. I love the rain, but I just wish I had my rain boots. But of Course, i left them at my mothers, since yesterday seemed sunny, and I didn't think it would rain. I'm horribly tired, and don't feel like getting out of bed. Tonight I have my psychologist appointment after school, then I'm hanging out with dan, then I'm going to my school to pick out my class ring. After that me and dan will probably head up here from my mom's and just hang out here at my dad's, then go back to my mom's house... I think, so If anyone wants me from four on, call dan's cellular.

:[

Today sucks. My left kidney strangely hurts REALLY bad, and I have quite the headache. I've been pretty sad lately.. I've basically lost my best friend... And here's the story: So, me and my bestest friend, Taylor, met via Xanga [If you don't know what it is, it is a very lame blogging system. I must say I love blogspot better, and don't advise using Xanga. But try it if you really want to...], Well anyway. In the beginning she told me she was from the UK, incase I was a rapist [LOL], and soon we became great friends. I later found out that she really lived in Kentucky and she "introduced" me to my other two best friends, Emily+Kendall. Taylor was always my very best friend though, I went to her with everything, when I could. It was very difficult for us to talk, since she didn't have a phone, or the internet, so it was a rare occasion. But we managed, and we started writing letters back and forth, that was really fun :] Well, we seemed like we were the best of friends, but now I feel like she doesn't even give a shit about me at all... Like she was literally my best friend... She started going out with andrew, and I've called her a bunch of times [she has a phone now and stuff], and I wrote her a letter and everything, but she never responds/replies, and It makes me really sad... I've cried like a million times, because, like, I told her about everything, and I loved her, she was like the closest friend i've ever had, and now it's like I don't even matter. D;

Day off.

I've come to the conclusion that this year, I hate Days off. I can't even enjoy them, since most of the days in which I get off, being in Highschool and such, Dan does not have off. I hate it; therefore, all day, I am stuck, watching daytime television in my pajamas while browsing the web, waiting the whole time for Dan to get out of class... What fun.
On the bright side, my birthday is in about a month... I'm finally turning fifteen, just in time for my friends to turn sixteen. I'm wanting a few things, but I know I won't get many of them... My parents are getting me a class ring, which I won't actually receive until March, So there isn't much coming from them. And the other thing I want, I can't mention, because if they know I want it from them, they might get mad and think I'm being retarded and stuff. That thing I won't get either.
Just to clear EVERYONE up, since no one will leave me alone about the subject, I will be having a party. It will be costume. It will be Halloween. It will be on October 25th. If you want to come, let me know. [Even though no one reads my blog, except maybe devin, but that's okay.]

I've also decided that I really need a cell phone. It is ridiculous that I do not have one, especially since my mom doesn't even have a working house phone.
I feel like drawing... I just don't know what to draw. Maybe I'll just go back and look in the magazine that i have, which is filled with things that I will never be able to own. *sigh* this is the life.

I hate the life.

Ah; what a lovely day.

My phone is broken, and it's the only one I could get a hold of my bestest friend, Devin from, whom I was attempting to make plans to go to the movies with.... I tried calling him from another phone, but his phone is dead, so I have no clue how to get a hold of him; Thus, I am sitting in Brewed, alone. My boyfriend had school and he has it tomorrow, so I can't see him, either. I will probably end up heading to the theater in a bit, to proceed to watch a movie...alone. Maybe I'll catch some luck, and I will find a friend or something... But no one is as pathetic as me, to come and do things alone, so I'm assuming I will find two friends. But, hey, the more the merrier.

Oh, and thank you to the Jewish folk.
With out you, to top off my loneliness, I'd have to go to school another day tomorrow, and realise some more about how pathetic and loserlike I am. I thankyou for sparing me that.
Seriously, you rock.

Yehy. [but not really]

Soo I'm in Computer Apps... FUN!!! [not]. I have nothing to do, and most useful websites are blocked in this stupid school, so here I am, blogging as usual when there's nothing better to do. It's raining [again] for like the forth time in a row... I love the rain, so I'm quite content with it being rainy. It makes me smile and gives me a chance to wear my super awesome black rain boots with the hearts on them :] At this point in time, I'm reading a book called "You Don't Know Me" and so far it's been amazingly easy to relate to. It almost makes me just want to sit and write about things and make up my own world, changing and starting new beginnings, but I feel as though I have next to no talent in the writing department... I love to do it, but I must be honest with myself...I'm terrible. I used to write a lot of short stories, but I've slightly drifted from writing, into reading more and more, Some day soon I wish to take out a section of time in the day, and just start writing... Maybe tomorrow?