HOLYSHIT. I just went to see Twilight. So fucking good. Holy cow. Seriously. Edward is SO hot!!!! Wow. SO yeah. Holyshit.

So, today totally sucks. I hate Sundays SO much. It blows. And I have a really bad earache. On the plus side, I had fun at Homecoming. It was really excited for it. Dan had a cold though, So I don't think he had as much fun. I'm watching spongebob. I heart it. Amanda's over. Rene is doing her hair downstairs right now. So, I'm being forced to go to Florida, as aforementioned and it was going to be just me my mom and my sisters, but my Nana and pappy are allowing the twin's boyfriends and dan go along. Dan didn't really want to go, but I explained some stuff to him and now he says that he would like to go, so I'm really happy about that. I would have missed him sooo much. I'm still upset though, because I'm being taken away from al the rest of my family. >:o but as long as dan is there, I'm definitely happy... Actually, I kinda can't wait now that dan is going... I think it's going to be a lot more fun now. :] I still don't know what to get for dan for christmas, though. My gift from my mom is that she's paying for dan to drive down and to stay down there and stuff, I think that's really nice of her, actually. Dan's going to start searching for a job in SK so that he can spend more time down here during his Holiday break or whatever, so that should be good. I'm going to go get food now.

----------------
Now playing: CSS - Music Is My Hot Hot Sex
via FoxyTunes

Wow.

Okay, so I haven't blogged in a while, and since no one reads this, and no one cares I don't really know why I'm explaining why I havent, but I am, so here goes. I haven't blogged because I haven't been online. Right now I'm in Computer apps. We just finished a quiz that I totally did awesome on. Anyways, I haven't been online because I haven't had a computer. I haven't had a computer, because I haven't had a charger. I should be getting a charger tomorrow or thursday though, so I'm pretty soupped. What that not have been the problem. Anywho, Yeah; My birthday sucked and so did Halloween. I don't fully get why I let myself get so excited for that kind of stuff... It's so pointless. I mean, duh, if I used to love something it's ruined now. That's the way things always go lately... Like all this fall has been like the worst season ever. Dan says that he's going to "redo" my birthday, but guess what!! He probably won't. Which is fine. Fifteen isn't that great anyway. Nothing special is happening. I'm being dragged to Florida for my Christmas this year. [That really bothers me, so I'll get more into that later when I'm not at school.] Anyways. Yeah. I'm so sick of my life at this point. At least I'm doing good in school [kinda] my lowest grade is a C+ in Bio, which isn't that bad, considering. Anyway, I have to go do Excel stuff. Hoorah, sucky.

Ugh.

My birthday was a mess. Halloween was a mess. Pretty much everything is a mess.

Tomorrow.

Ohkeyyy sooo Tomorrow=MY BIRFDAY PARTY!!! Then thursday=MY BIRTHDAY[/PARTY#2]!!! I'm so effin excited. woohoo. :]

Devin Carlson

So, devin carlson is SUCH a loser. ohemgee. Seriously... Like who would hang out with that skanky cunt. Ohemgee. I wish he would get the fuck away from me. He's totally sitting next to me. Jesus.


HAHAHA. Just kidding. I love devin carlson to death. He's amazing.:]
He's sitting next to me fo' reals though hehehe.
And so is madison. She's even more amazing.
And Cayla is just like. holy wow. She happens to be sitting next to devin. <3

herm.

So... Dan might be able to get Saturdays off, but he might have to take up a shift or whatever on Tuesdays or Thursdays. God. I hate his job. He might as well just keep working Saturdays. I'm gonna tell him that. [I didn't last night when he told me because He called when I was sleeping... I hate that]. But anyway, Yeah. It really pisses me off. His job gets in the way of everything. So thats the latest news with me. Nothing exciting.

Tired.

Ugh; I'm so effin tired. :[ I went to sleep right when I got home from school, then I got up, because dan came over. After that, we went to the store and got poster board, then his house so he could urinate, then to wendy's + McDonalds. Then we came home, and I worked on my homework/project for like three hours. It sucked. It still sucks. :[

Two Days.

I ask dan to get TWO days off. My birthday party, and tomorrow, well, today, but you know what I mean... He can't even do that. I fucking hate this. Seriously. Fuck people. Fuck him. Fuck his job. Fuck everyone. I'm not fucking going up to my goddamn aunt's house tomorrow without him. This was going to be MY turn to introduce someone they might actually like, to make up for my own imperfections. But fuck family. Seriously. Fuck EVERYTHING. Fuck you.

Ohyes.Harder.

Why doesn't life just screw me a little harder? I'd like to think that death would be the cumming of the huge fuck that all of us encounter called life...


So that's my lovely thought of today. How was your day? Mine was just lovely. I had a bullshit day in a bullshit highschool, what's new?!

At least my dog loves me.
She always comes through for me....

Wishes. Ohboy.

So, today I've decided that I'd add on another place to the list of places I wish so hard to travel to.
I want to go to China or the Philippines to see the hanging coffins. Appearently its an old burial ritual that tribes would do where they would shove bodies of their ancestors into mostly hollowed out logs, or make coffins. And then hang them on the sides of mountains or put them inside of caves and cliffs off the side of mountians. It's actually quite interesting....
So another place I wish to go, where I'll never actually get to go.

Fuck.

Soo I have a migraine. Everyone changes plans without telling me. My feet are freezing. I'm watching spongebob. My tummy hurts. I'm hideous, and my hair is weird.

What a wonderful day.

Friday!

Horrauh. It's Friday! Dan's in the shower right now, and I'm waiting to go and take mine. Thank god I have a heater in my bathroom so It's not so cold! I'm watching the news! I'm such a cool person. Dan's bringing me to school and Picking me up today, so that should be fun. [We also have to pick up his brother at two twenty, so that's purty BOMB.] I'm going to try the contacts with the fizzy solution today, I'm quite excited... I wonder if anyone will notice I'm not wearing glasses.? Anyway, I must go and shower and get ready now!

Yehy.

I got out of school early today, and the sky cleared up [sad/happy]. Dan's over right now, and he's like asleep and I just finished my drawing of shoes for Art, it came out decent... I only really worked on one of the shoes, of three, though. I have to go change my conatacts out, since I'm going to try a new solution tonight [the one dan uses, supposedly it's amazing?], So that should make it more comfortable for me and my contact uses! Yhey; I'll actually be able to wear them! I got my class ring today. hoorah. Showing the support of the class that I don't even care about, and don't even technically support. woohoo.
the end.

SHUT UP AND LET ME GO.HEY!

So, today it is pouring out, which is wonderful. I love the rain, but I just wish I had my rain boots. But of Course, i left them at my mothers, since yesterday seemed sunny, and I didn't think it would rain. I'm horribly tired, and don't feel like getting out of bed. Tonight I have my psychologist appointment after school, then I'm hanging out with dan, then I'm going to my school to pick out my class ring. After that me and dan will probably head up here from my mom's and just hang out here at my dad's, then go back to my mom's house... I think, so If anyone wants me from four on, call dan's cellular.

:[

Today sucks. My left kidney strangely hurts REALLY bad, and I have quite the headache. I've been pretty sad lately.. I've basically lost my best friend... And here's the story: So, me and my bestest friend, Taylor, met via Xanga [If you don't know what it is, it is a very lame blogging system. I must say I love blogspot better, and don't advise using Xanga. But try it if you really want to...], Well anyway. In the beginning she told me she was from the UK, incase I was a rapist [LOL], and soon we became great friends. I later found out that she really lived in Kentucky and she "introduced" me to my other two best friends, Emily+Kendall. Taylor was always my very best friend though, I went to her with everything, when I could. It was very difficult for us to talk, since she didn't have a phone, or the internet, so it was a rare occasion. But we managed, and we started writing letters back and forth, that was really fun :] Well, we seemed like we were the best of friends, but now I feel like she doesn't even give a shit about me at all... Like she was literally my best friend... She started going out with andrew, and I've called her a bunch of times [she has a phone now and stuff], and I wrote her a letter and everything, but she never responds/replies, and It makes me really sad... I've cried like a million times, because, like, I told her about everything, and I loved her, she was like the closest friend i've ever had, and now it's like I don't even matter. D;

Day off.

I've come to the conclusion that this year, I hate Days off. I can't even enjoy them, since most of the days in which I get off, being in Highschool and such, Dan does not have off. I hate it; therefore, all day, I am stuck, watching daytime television in my pajamas while browsing the web, waiting the whole time for Dan to get out of class... What fun.
On the bright side, my birthday is in about a month... I'm finally turning fifteen, just in time for my friends to turn sixteen. I'm wanting a few things, but I know I won't get many of them... My parents are getting me a class ring, which I won't actually receive until March, So there isn't much coming from them. And the other thing I want, I can't mention, because if they know I want it from them, they might get mad and think I'm being retarded and stuff. That thing I won't get either.
Just to clear EVERYONE up, since no one will leave me alone about the subject, I will be having a party. It will be costume. It will be Halloween. It will be on October 25th. If you want to come, let me know. [Even though no one reads my blog, except maybe devin, but that's okay.]

I've also decided that I really need a cell phone. It is ridiculous that I do not have one, especially since my mom doesn't even have a working house phone.
I feel like drawing... I just don't know what to draw. Maybe I'll just go back and look in the magazine that i have, which is filled with things that I will never be able to own. *sigh* this is the life.

I hate the life.

Ah; what a lovely day.

My phone is broken, and it's the only one I could get a hold of my bestest friend, Devin from, whom I was attempting to make plans to go to the movies with.... I tried calling him from another phone, but his phone is dead, so I have no clue how to get a hold of him; Thus, I am sitting in Brewed, alone. My boyfriend had school and he has it tomorrow, so I can't see him, either. I will probably end up heading to the theater in a bit, to proceed to watch a movie...alone. Maybe I'll catch some luck, and I will find a friend or something... But no one is as pathetic as me, to come and do things alone, so I'm assuming I will find two friends. But, hey, the more the merrier.

Oh, and thank you to the Jewish folk.
With out you, to top off my loneliness, I'd have to go to school another day tomorrow, and realise some more about how pathetic and loserlike I am. I thankyou for sparing me that.
Seriously, you rock.

Yehy. [but not really]

Soo I'm in Computer Apps... FUN!!! [not]. I have nothing to do, and most useful websites are blocked in this stupid school, so here I am, blogging as usual when there's nothing better to do. It's raining [again] for like the forth time in a row... I love the rain, so I'm quite content with it being rainy. It makes me smile and gives me a chance to wear my super awesome black rain boots with the hearts on them :] At this point in time, I'm reading a book called "You Don't Know Me" and so far it's been amazingly easy to relate to. It almost makes me just want to sit and write about things and make up my own world, changing and starting new beginnings, but I feel as though I have next to no talent in the writing department... I love to do it, but I must be honest with myself...I'm terrible. I used to write a lot of short stories, but I've slightly drifted from writing, into reading more and more, Some day soon I wish to take out a section of time in the day, and just start writing... Maybe tomorrow?

yey.

Sooo today I went to the swamp yankee thingy with my cousin then we went back to my house and "jammed" on my "drums". I put quotations, since we both had no clue what we were doing and the "drums" are older than me and haven't had new skins and my high tops got stolen. sooo yeah. It was effin fun though. AND I HAVE PLANS FOR MY PARTY! I'm so excited. It's gonna be awesome this year [as always]. I plan for the twenty fifth and it's going to be amazing and I can't wait! And my family is going to my aunt linda's house and we're bringing Dan, and it's gonna be awesome because like, he hasn't like met them yet. Sooo, I have a lot to look forward to. :] I have tuesday off, and I'm planning on going to the movies tomorrow night with my friends and stuff, so that's gonna be fun too. :] yahy.

rawr.

Soo. SKHS sucks. hXc. They're effin retarded. Yeah; So anyway. I did my homework! I'm such a good student.... Now I am coloring/being online. In my super awesome My Little Pony coloring book with my disney princesses crayons.... [courtesy of The Dollar Store.] :D I heart coloring. It's super fun. Some people are sooo dumb... I've been going out with dan for like, six months+... They should get used to the fact that he's my everything... I mean, seriously... It's bullshit when someone like invites me to a party or some shit like that and don't invite him... Like it's fine if he's working or something and he can't go, but still. Ugh. They're retarded. >:o. I hate people sometimes.

woohoo...not.

Soo It's a tuesday... Friday was horrible. Saturday was great. Sunday was bullshit. Monday was sickly, and today.. I am home from school, with a sinus infection, waiting for my third antibiotic in two months. Hooray! [NOT]. I hate being home from school, nowerdays.. It used to be okay, when I could text dan, or when I HAD no dan to miss. But today, I have nothing. And what sucks more, is that he gets out at two fifty and I have to wait until then to see him, when my friggin mother woke me up at six thirty, and now I can't get back to sleep, so I don't even have sleep to take away the loneliness, and dan doesn't even care... He tells me not to worry about today, and just be happy that we'll be together... YEAH OKAY. How can I not focus on what's going on right now? Seriously... So I stopped talking to him, since I was pissing him off with feeling alone and being without him, and telling him why and how I'm going to hate today, and I began blogging about it... Sometimes, he can be so awesome and can listen to my problems... But times like this just piss me off, when he basically tells me to shut up, when I'm practically in tears.... :'[

blah.

Okay; Soo I'm at my mom's. I'm soo bored. Me and my sisters are at my mom's, celebrating her birthday. My muscles are all sore and bleh. I don't even know why... I'm just all achy. It sucks. I really like Arizona iced tea... It's so awesome... Well, I suppose i should get back to partying.

soo

Yeah... I'm really pissed at myself. Earlier, I went to sleep at like eight, but I didn't mean to, and I really wanted to talk to dan, and I woke up, like at three seventeen, and I was really mad, but i tried calling him anyway, just in case he was awake, and he wasn't, but he answered, and I knew that he wanted to sleep, so I let him sleep, but like then i cried. And I *really* want to talk to him, and I'm just really mad that I slept. :[
Gr.

Horrible.

Horrible day. Doug, my ex of seven months, cheated on me [with three other girls as a relationship], not only with three other girls, but there was a fourth girl, whom he was fucking. What a lovely day. :[ I'm really hurt and depressed and sad and lost right now. I just can't believe how stupid i was. Granted this was a long time ago, and I have dan now, and I love him more than anything or anyone, but just finding out that after all that I was through with Doug, he did all that to me... It just kinda hurts still... A lot.

a;ld

Fuck guys.
Seriously.
Ohmygod.
Fuck them.
I'm so effin pissed. Jesus christ. I didn't do a goddamn thing and dan's all like being stupid and it's retarded. all i wanted to do was effin talk to him, and like he's being retarded.
I fucking hate people.
SO much.
D:<

mmmm.

So, I woke up this morning thinking I would go back to sleep.
Then I saw my laptop
and that he had talked to me last night
while I was asleep.
Now I'm stuck, unable to go back to sleep
waiting for him to wake up.


Love blows.

Anyway. I'm really tired and my whole body feels like jello from dancing all night. lol. I'm slightly hungry, but I don't feel like eating.... What's new?

"i'mma do the things that I wanna do."

bored bored bored.

Today is the day when You try to run in circles so many times that you get really dizzy and fall down... But when you're dizzy and crashing to the floor below you, things just seem to make sense. It's like, the world is so busy in the first place, that it seems amazing when you're trying to put things back to place as you fall upon the floor, helplessly dizzy. It's just the most amazing feeling. You know, I'm thinking... It's the silliest thing when someone asks you what the very first thing you do when you wake up is... Maybe it's not so silly to everyone else, but to me it is, because EVERY day, the first thing I do is open my eyes. Like who doesn't do that when they first wake up? What do they do...? I just seem to not understand. Why is it that when people love someone, they wait around for them for the longest time, just thinking about them, when they know they won't show up? Or they know they should be doing something better? I don't understand why we do things like that... At least, I do... And when you like someone, and you want so badly to have them notice you, and you work so hard at it, but the very last thing you want to do is talk to them? I mean, obviously it's because you're afraid you're going to make a fool of yourself or something like that, but seriously, if you eff up that bad, wouldn't you not want to be with them if they will judge you like that? Why not just jump out and say something? It's much better than just sitting around waiting for some magic to happen... Oh my. Such stupid things... And what's up with the internet? Why do people get so addicted... It's so..not personal. it starts so many arguments because people assume you're saying things in one way, but really you mean it in another way.... I think it's much more effective to just give someone a call or talk to them in person, considering you can actually, like, understand everything. ugh. I just hate the internet. I mean, if it's like something unimportant, then yeah; go ahead, myspace it, but seriously, if you're like asking someone out or if you're breaking up with someone or telling them something really important, do it in person!!! Or AT LEAST on the phone. ha. Well, yeah, I'm just raving about really stupid shit. lmao! <3

Back.

mm... SO I just got back from a wicked fun party for my friend Priya's sweet sixteen, and it was soooo much fun :]. It was kinda crazy though, because it was the first time that I've gone like...OUT with my friends since me and dan started going out like six months ago, which, I kind of feel bad saying, but it was kinda nice.. It was like a girls night out... I think that's what i'm gonna do every saturday now, since he works on saturdays... Because I had like a super lot of fun. :] But I did miss him, obviously.

abcdefg.

So, Sometimes I wish I were a butterfly.
I'd fly away.
Hide away.
Float through the breezes.

Sometimes I wish I were a star.
I'd shine so bright.
I'd fly so high.
I'd never be touched or hurt.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't human,
and that I was just a peice of grass
or a rock
or a bird.
Something that was so THERE, but no one noticed.

Maybe that's how things are now.

Icky Day

Today is one of those days. A day where I wish that I was taken into the grasps of death the night before. I have no reason to why I feel this way, I just kind of do. I have done nothing but sit upon my couch in my bedroom and loath every molecule of living in today's world. Happiness is draining from my body, slowly but surely, and I'm almost positive that pretty soon it will completely run out, and at that point, there will be nothing left to me. I need to get as far away from everyone I know before that happens, but I can not escape the life that I am stuck in at this point; therefore, I have no where to go, and I will slowly fall into a deep, black abyss. Congratulations to those of you whom enjoy your life in many ways... I loath you in any possible way.

WootWoot

I'm at Brewed.... I'm wicked bored...waiting for dan to come down here...

Tonight is Rocky Horror and i'm SOUPPED. (:
I love RH. It's so much fun.


<3

Happier.

Okay, so Dan came down today, and I'm doing a lot better with this whole him moving thing.... Of course I'm going to miss him and stuff still, but I think we're going to make this work.... I don't know what I was thinking, thinking about breaking up with him... I love him sooo much (:


I'm watching Jackass Number two right now... it makes me smile a lot...(:


I'm really pissed at my stupid mother though... She told me that Dan could stay here tomorrow night like yesterday, and now she's taking it back, and me and Dan had made plans like a month or more a go, and now she's like all paranoid about his dad coming here, and she won't just stfu, since he lives my his mother's rules now... I hate it :( I don't know how we're going to hang out tomorrow night now, because we want to go to Rocky Horror, and like I just dunnoh... It's like ugh :(


Oh well. We'll figure out something.

<3

:'(

Well, Dan's gone... What now?

I've been crying for the past hour straight... :/

I'm watching P.S. I Love You.... I should be preparing for the three exams that I have to make up tomorrow, but I can't focus...

I'm so confused. :(

I hate life.

I hate love.

Douchebags and sadness...

Okay, so today, Like right when we were supposed to be leaving, Dan's father shows up at my house wanting to talk to my mother.... So yeah, He does and the whole time it's a bash on Lydan and MOSTLY Dan fest.... It pissed me and my mother right off. So like she kept telling him that we had to leave and he wouldn't stfu... Like seriously.... For the past like fourtyfive minutes, my mother and I have been venting about how much of an asswhole this dude is.... Like he called his own son a liar and a sneak and all this shit, and he's basically trying to get my mother to force me to break up with Dan (she'd never do that, she loves dan)... Luckily my mother was there to stick up for Daniel... I mean, seriously... this man is a beast.... Like no one could ever do something like that to their son.... Like he seriously was basically calling me a tramp and shizz and saying all this stuff about what I wrote in Dan's yearbook (which is DAN'S yearbook, and he didn't even REALLY have a right looking through it)..... Now my mom's gonna read the yearbook, and it's really nothing all that bad... So yeah.. Me and my mother just can't believe how rude and douchebaggish Dan's father was..... Like my mom is like "me and your father were the same age gap as you and dan... Dan's dad is totally rediculous...." Like ugh... he's such an ass hole... I can't stand it....Ugh. :/

Another thing, now... Dan's really reallly moving to Providence... :/ I dunno if I'm gunna be able to handle it and stuff... I'm really glad that he's getting out, and I hope that we can make it, but I just don't know.... It's tough... I mean, he's the love of my life, and I see him every day, faithfully, and now I just don't know how I'm going to handle it... Like just today I've almost burst out into tears several times.... Like I don't know if I should even try to handle it... We've been going out for three months, and I don't know whats going to hurt more: Loving him, breaking up with him and giving him a chance to have a love closer to him and closer to his age... Or staying with him and us never seeing each other... I guess this is going to be one of the toughest choices I've ever made... But I'm kind of scared for my well being and our relationship's well being, because I'm already scared about our relationship falling apart and stuff and I'm so insecure about him breaking up with me for someone else and stuff, and I don't know if I should just spare him the trouble and break up with him myself.... I suppose these are the things I really need to think through before I make a descision that could truly screw up my life... I also don't want to be missing him too much and start self destruction (again).... Yeah... I just don't know....He truly means everything to me.... It's scary... I mean, I know that him living in Providence and working in Providence and then going to College next year, he's going to have like a million chances to find someone new, and someone closer to his age and chances to make his family happy... Which is another thing.. I never know if he's just staying with me to get back at his dad, whom I know doesn't want me and Daniel together.... So I'm probably just some freaky, paranoid SOB who needs to relax, but I just don't know if I can....

Well, I'm now off to get the elecktroids off of my head, and I was just informed that through some tests that I not only have brain damage from seizures from when I was a kid, but the damage may be getting worse, so hopefully everything gets better, but I'm starting to lose all faith in life and myself... So i just don't know what to do anymore....

Not Brewed.

Okay so Today I get the elecktroids off of my head! Yay! Dan slept over and it went uber well... I can't believe my mother suggested it :P . He's a weirdo... He's sitting behind me reading what I write and sometimes tickling me... haha. Well, I have to go eat some breakfasttt(:

Brewed.

mkay, so yeah.... Prom went well... Mine is gonna be like ten thousand times better, though. (: All my friends will be there and stuff, so yeah.... I'm at Brewed with Dan right now... I have electroids attached to my head and they're annoying and I look like a freak; although, I do have a hat on, but I still look rather freakish... Just a little less freakish. Lol... You can see the gauze under it and stuff, and I've been quite self conscious all day, but oh well.

The Prom...

Okay... So it's just about that time... I'm in my dress and I got my hair done... I must say I look pretty awesome (: Dan's here. We're using this mad ghetto rigged car. Appearently I "look so beautiful," says daniel. My mommy went out and bought the flowers and stuff and they match me and look amazing... (she bought them, due to the lack of money, since Dan is currently out of work.) Girrr. Daniel is so annoying.. but in a good(ish) way... haha. I love him, but he makes me wanna kick babies sometimes :P


So yeah... I'll write more after prom and stuff.<3

BLah. Okay, so someone should have like given me a memo about the fact that when you go out with a senior as a freshman, you get a LOT of shit when it comes to prom?! Like seriously... No one has shut the fuck up... Ugh... It's the day before and I've been like crying like all day because I don't even know why... there's so much pressure now that it's the end of the year and and everything, and my boyfriend has to go to stupid college next year. To top everything else off, his father and step mother hate my guts... well, I mean, granted they *are* kinda douchebags... but still, I hate that his family disapproves of me... It puts me under this huge amount of pressure also on top of everything else... I just don't know what to do.. I can feel as though I'm at the breaking point... seriously.... Today has been the worst day of my life... My head is *pounding,* I don't have any idea how they hell I'm supposed to get to prom, because my boyfriend really hasn't exactly told me anything.... I don't even think he knows... and my shoes are ugly.

I don't wanna go... But like I do.. I just wish everyone would stop lecturing me about stupid stuff that I know better than to do.. It's like no one trusts me, and it's only since I started going out with Dan.. It's like so unfair... :(


I'm tired... But something tells me that sleep + me = not going to happen tonight... Ugh... I hate life.